I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My liver just broke up with me...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
