I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
