Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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