Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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