After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
