I think I died a long time ago.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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