I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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