Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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