i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
