Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
