Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
