Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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