I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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