just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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