I need to stop coming to work sober
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
