she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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