I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
