Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
