We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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