This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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