I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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