I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
