My Higher Power is John Stamos
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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