I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
