Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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