You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
