i need an iv and a liver transplant
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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