I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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