i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
