One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
