Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
