I molested 6 butterflies tonight
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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