We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
