I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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