Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
