It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
