Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
