I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
