I faked an abortion last night.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
