this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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