I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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