I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
