i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
