apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
