It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
