Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just invented taco cereal.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
