when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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