Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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