On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I don't deserve a penis
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
