omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
