she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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