how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
