OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
