umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
