i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
