I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Im part way to drunk.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
