so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
