so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
