I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You left your phone here
Wait...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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