I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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