i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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