I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
